The rarest of breeds

A cross contamination experiment

TMI 03/05/2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — koshershiksa @ 22:39


May I address you as “all”? As in all 6 of you?


All? I’ve been in a terrible funk lately. I don’t want to be Negative Nancy on the blog over here, but I just need to spill, I think. So, if you’re looking for laughs, or musings on vow renewals, and who-am-I-kidding, this is not really the place to be, apologies.

In a fit of feeling all natural and healthy and anti-big-pharma, I decided to see if I could quit my mental health medications. I’ve blogged on this before, but I’m not going to fish it out of the archives.  Well, PsychDoc and I took me off the medications, and I was drug free for all of two weeks, before I was contemplating divorce, and considering living in a teepee because I couldn’t handle anyone else around me, and I knew no one could handle me.  I went to my Fam Doc, and she gave me a script for 10mg of prozac, and it really did take the edge off things for a minute or so. And now that I’ve been able to get into to see PSych Doc, he’s put me on another drug that is mood stabilizing. Here’s a hint: it ain’t workin’.

I’m just completely on a roller coaster lately, one minute I’m crying over a Taylor Swift song on the radio, and the next I’m yelling at HB because he is chewing loudly. I’ll be honest, even when I’m totally on drugs and happy, I get annoyed at HB chewing, but I can usually think “Shiksa? cool it. You’re being crazy”, and I can get over it. But at this point, I’m yelling and angry and talking out my ass, and frankly, I’ve lost my religion before I can remember that I don’t have any.  I think HB is about to give me back whatever crazy I’ve dropped on the floor in my fit, and send me on my way. to my teepee. where no one else has to deal with me.   But in the dessert there’s nobody making awful mouth noises. cold comfort.

We went to The Chocolate Bar tonight in an effort to stave off the mean reds, because another thing, now it really is TMI, I’m PMS-ing like nobody’s business this week. At least it’ll all be over before his birthday, May 9th.

I just have n-o-i-d-e-a how to get over this. I have another appointment with PsychDoc in a week or two to try another medication, but I’m so tired of trying new meds, and I’m so tired of being fat because I can’t stop eating because I’m on these ridiculous psych meds, and I’m not going back on lithium, because I want to be pregnant at some point, whether it’s my own kid or CMA’s (I’m NOT taking applications for incubating in my oven, thankyouverymuch), and I’m just so frustrated with not being able to find a job, and not being able to afford school, and ARRGH!

(I mean, I’m even trying to get me some religion. Cause at this point, I want to give up control to something else, even if I’ve spent most of my life not believing in it. Another post, I think. )

I’m not suicidal, and I’m not going to lay in bed for a month not eating or anything. I did that while we were engaged, and I really scared the crap outta HB, it wasn’t pretty, and it wasn’t fun to think that we might have to postpone the wedding because of my depression. I’m just losing my mind. In a totally non-threatening way, completely lucid, and slightly controlled.  Very slightly controlled.

I think what I’m asking for is help. But I don’t know what I need, and I don’t know who to ask, and I don’t even think I’m ready to receive help. I just know that I’m taking the first step to reclaiming my mental health. And the first step is to admit that my head is a scary place, at least to me, and I need help navigating.

Thanks, all.


update 27/04/2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — koshershiksa @ 00:06

You remember the woman who I was going to give a kidney to?

She got a new kidney a few weeks ago, and she’s doing GREAT!

I got the rare opportunity to meet her daughter a few weeks ago at a wedding of a friend. She happens to be very close friends with the bride and groom, and she and I had  a BLAST getting to know each other.

I feel so wonderful having been a part of their journey to wellness, and I understand that my organs weren’t the best option for her, specifically. I’m especially glad that her wait wasn’t YEARS like it is for a lot of transplant patients.

But I am looking into “altruistic” donation. It’s where you give your kidney to someone you may not know. It’s not anonymous or anything, it’s just that the hospital hooks you up with someone who will be a match.

But I think we all know that I can’t give up any kidneys until I lose the weight.

And I’ve been told by CMA that since her behbehs are going to get cooked in my body that I have to wait until after THAT.  I totally agree, and frankly, if anyone gets to pull rank its the girl who had cancer, and wants to turn me into an easy bake oven..  That I can handle. And I still need to lose the weight.

The only thing is that she wants Asian babies. Which I cannot personally provide, and since both she and her boyfriend are honkies, we may have to put our heads together on this one.

Another dilemma for another day.



The definition of insane? 26/04/2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — koshershiksa @ 01:43

I’m backtracking on  a LOT of decisions lately.  I’ve been doing some interior renewal, and I’m loving it, and it takes my mind off the fact that I need a job, but manual labor makes me all think-y about other things. Like just now, while writing this post? I had an oxford comma in there, and I took it out. I’ll let you know if I put it back in.

I’m just having a rough patch where I second guess every.little.thing.I.think.about. It’s exhausting.  I think it’s part of the OCD. I really do, I mean, I completely ruminate over things I said, or did that have no bearing whatsoever on how anyone else might live their lives, including me.

Sidebar, your honor

JSYK: Ruminate is the term by obsessive-complusives who think about things over and over again. Ruminations are the thoughts that stay in our heads that we can’t get out i.e., I can’t stop thinking about HB’s family and things that were said over dinner= rumination, whereas obsession is something a little different, and I’ll explain that when it’s relevant.

Back to your regularly scheduled crazy:

Anywhoo, I realized that some decisions I made regarding the vow renewal were actually made in the same spirit that made me regret things about the wedding. So, HB helped me think about it, and we undecided my dumb decisions. I had been thinking about New Orleans, since that had been my first (second) choice for the wedding, and then I decided against it, because I didn’t want to do the work involved. Well, thats plain silly, not wanting to do the work is what made me make all these stupid decisions that I regret. Besides, I’ve got a little time.. GAH!

Secondly, (and I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about this yet, so please feel free to comment, and question me, but respect that I don’t have a ton of answers), I think I regret converting. To Judaism. I think I did it because I felt pressured by my in-laws and it felt right at the time, but I don’t feel any connection, and I don’t feel like this is my place in the religious world. We can talk all day about how you can be an atheist and a Jew at the same time, but it doesn’t feel right. And I feel like I rolled over on this one, and that makes me disappointed in myself.  Also, I really love the Rabbi who married us, but I really dislike the congregation we are affiliated with. It’s not helping matters.

Thirdly, I’m regretting the puppy. For reals, yo. She’s so sweet, and cute, and FUN! But I’m so stressed and at my wit’s end trying to housebreak her, and it’s just awful. I’m NOT going to give her back, I’m just going to deal with these feelings until she’s better, and then I’ll regret putting these ideas into my blog. It’s a nice cycle I’ve started.

At the end of the blog, I guess I’m glad I only invested a few months into the conversion, it’s only reform, and it doesn’t really even mean much in the Jewish world. (LONG STORY WHOLE ‘NOTHER POST)

And I’m glad HB is here to help me go over decisions, and thoughts in a PRODUCTIVE way.

I have an appointment with my doc at the end of the month to get me on some drugs that will help with anxiety, and therefore the swirly twirly ruminations. Here’s hoping. Because I? Need to get to sleep.


Gratitude… 21/04/2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — koshershiksa @ 01:14

So, I haven’t done this in a while…

I’ve got some stressful activities coming up in the next few days that are making me feel like “Poooooor shiksa…. what a poor baby…”, I’ll blog after they happen, and I’m sure those involved won’t read it.

So, I’m going to adopt an attitude of gratitude, and build a bridge and get over these metaphors.

I’m grateful, and thankful, and blessed by the powers that be. (Still an atheist, but being grateful and thankful keeps me humble. Blogging doesn’t,  sadly.)

I’m grateful for breaking my plateau in my weight loss. I had been STUCK with a number, and then BOOM, I went below.

I’m grateful that HB and I can argue, and bicker, and come to resolutions that are actually helpful.

I’m grateful for living on my own timeline. And I’m actually gettin used to it!

I’m grateful that I’m a Texan. And Southern. As always.

I’m grateful that I have friends who support me and love me. And do nice things for me like get tickets dismissed.

I’m grateful that I was raised by women who taught me many useful things, like how to make deviled eggs, manhattans, and how to sew. Even if I only use the first two skills.

I’m grateful that vodka has no calories. (PLEASE DON”T TELL ME THE TRUTH! FOR GODS SAKES, have a heart)

I’m grateful that I can color my own hair, and not look like an idiot. Cause asking hubby for money for that? HA!

I’m grateful that my dogs are not lost causes.

I’m only technically grateful that there are so many interesting blogs to read. Cause then I’m up ’til TWO reading about other people’s lives, when I should be sleeping.

Speaking of which, Daddy was telling me about a study that showed that people who stay up later don’t show signs of depression. Seems kinda silly.



Training the Muffin. 19/04/2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — koshershiksa @ 23:18

Muffin started obedience school tonight. We are working with My Dog & Me in the Heights. It’s a great place and I’m friends with a woman who is a trainer there. We are really excited to work with them, because they don’t do “voice” commands, it’s more about body position, and eye contact. Which is really helpful when we’re in the dog park, and Muffin won’t listen for SHIT.  But mostly, it’s great because they work REALLY hard on the parents, not so much the dog.  And let me tell you, we need it.

Muffin can sit, and she’ll think about staying, and she’s completely housebroken, it’s just that she really doesn’t listen to anything else we have to say. It’s nice that she’s so friendly, but I need her to listen and HEED my words, dammit. Especially since we have a tiny puppy in the house, now, and Matzoh don’t listen for anything. Period. Needless to say, we need at least ONE of our headstrong animals to pay attention. It’s really only so we feel like we have a tiny grip of control on this house. An illusion, but a comforting one nonetheless.

First lesson tonight was on maintaining eye contact. because no dog will listen to you unless you have eye contact. It’s all about authority, and authority in dog-world is shown and respected through eye contact. Also, we learned non verbal commands for sit, and etc.

I’m not going to say that Muffin was the worst dog in the group, but I think I might be the only pet parent who felt like crying at the end of the hour. She wouldn’t look at me, she kept paying attention to the other dogs. I know it’s not a reflection on me, and it’s all a process, and blah blah blah. But I feel like a failure already. I almost CRIED AT DOG TRAINING! This might be one of the hardest things we’ve undertaken as a couple. That may sound totally ludicrous, but we are both so lazy, and inconsistent, it’s just going to be a tough change to become serious dog training types.

Oh, and lets discuss the fact that Muffin hated the treats we bought for training. HOLY cow. I didn’t know they were so different. But then the head trainer came over and gave her some of the treats that THEY use, and all of a sudden Muffin was listening, and doing, and “yes ma’am-ing”, and fetching, shit, she almost brought the lady the newspaper and scotch.  Geez.  Some what embarrassing. HB is complaining about how expensive they are, and whatnot, and frankly, it’s our luck that our dog will only perform for these treats. The ones that come in a sausage tube that I have to cut and refrigerate, and ugh.  Did I tell you they stink? Cause I shouldn’t have to. The yummiest treats are always the stinkiest. Like cheese.  A resounding and heartfelt “meh”.

Can a “meh” be heartfelt? Oh well, it best explains how I feel about this process.


Little Addictions.. 15/04/2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — koshershiksa @ 23:56

I have a couple of addictions that I am none too proud of, that is to say…I’ll blog about them, but please.. don’t ask me about them.

You know it seems to me that there are many things that I’ll put on the blog that I don’t want to talk about IRL. Oh well, that’s a WHOLE ‘nother blog.

Well, anyway, I tell people that I don’t really watch television. YEAH, right. Just not true. I may not pay attention to what I watch, but, the TV is on, and I’m generally watching something that I made HB record for me.

“BABE!!! Make this thingy do the recordy thingy with the show I wanna watch”

“what show?”

“THE one!! with the (insert: drag queens,medical miracles,activism,gay culture randomalia,fashion,bitchyness,oprah), you know! I’ve been telling you about it!”

“honey, I’ve shown you how to do this eleventy million times. just do it yourself”

“waaaaaah! just do it, please!!!”

me again: “then can you walk the dog, and get me a diet coke while I figure it out?”

Yeah, that conversation actually happens in my house like once a week. But, I make dinner, so he can deal.

Anyway, my latest televised obsessions are generally house and home shows.  House Hunters, Homes by Holmes, etc. It’s really detrimental to my health that there is generally a house hunters marathon going on at anytime. in sparkling HD.  Especially when there’s an international house hunters marathon? Oh no.

I also really love Niecy Nash and Clean House.  Mayhem and Madness live HERE! Goddamn is she FUNNY! But I don’t think they’d be interested in our casa. At least not yet.

And then, there is the truly embarrassing Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels. Shannon Tweed is beautiful, and their kids are so pretty and well-adjusted. They also use home videos as lead ins for the breaks. Shannon Tweed made a LOT of home movies for when Gene Simmons was on tour.  The boy, Nick, is a little obnoxious, but he always plays funny. Sophie, the daughter, is soo beautiful, and really is super sweet.  Oh dear.

The next two shows I have added to the DVR are United States of Tara,  show about a woman who has a family and Dissociative Identity Disorder, or multiple personalities. And, Giuliana and Bill. Giuliana DePandi and Bill Rancic. The guy from The Apprentice, and the chick from E! news? They are really cute, and they have a sweet humor in their relationship.

Just so you know, I put both of those on the DVR myself. Only took me seven tries… HB is at work late tonight. So there.

Also? I’ve been watching the trailers for the Sex and The City MOVIE, and crying. I can’t even explain how much these women mean to me. The show was on when I was high school, and I had such a terrible time.  I could watch this show for a half and hour, and imagine that I wasn’t a ridiculous gawky teenager with bad relationships, and a worse family.  I could be Carrie, or Samantha, or when I was feeling very preppy, Charlotte. Then when Charlotte converted? Let me testify. Then Samantha got the c-word? Oh dear.  Basically, my younger sister and I went to go see the first movie, and she swore up and down and all around that she would never see another movie with me again. She’s totally justified. I wept through the entire thing.  I don’t even know why. I think it was just really overwhelming to see what I THOUGHT was the final installment of a story that I wanted to LIVE or at least keep watching for ever.

“Like Jasmine and Aladdin?”

“Yes, but with cocktails”

Well, this is awesome. I’m completely stoked to go see SATC2. And you better believe I will be seeing it alone at the first showing, and I will be glad to tell you all about how it was. Spoiler: I will think it was awesome. No matter what. Cause I’m addicted like that.


Mama loves a THEME! 14/04/2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — koshershiksa @ 21:41

Well, cabbages, we have a theme. I’m so excited.  I wanted to tell you guys about this the minute I found it on the interwebs, but I had to discuss with HB.

Adult Summer Camp….. what do you think?

The Retreat at Balcones Springs is in Marble Falls, Texas. It’s basically a summer camp that is open year round with activities, and fun and relaxation.  They appear to have everything we want, and it seems like such a blast!

And, a completely awesome chef.

We are planning on inviting all of the family from our generation and friends from all over the country to come participate in a weekend surrounding the vow renewal which will happen on Saturday, with events starting during the day on Friday, and ending on Sunday afternoon.  I’m thinking spa time, horseback riding, canoeing, tee time, and a BONFIRE! and FIREWORKS!!!

I’m starting a poll. So let me know what you think of the whole idea, please?