May I address you as “all”? As in all 6 of you?
All? I’ve been in a terrible funk lately. I don’t want to be Negative Nancy on the blog over here, but I just need to spill, I think. So, if you’re looking for laughs, or musings on vow renewals, and who-am-I-kidding, this is not really the place to be, apologies.
In a fit of feeling all natural and healthy and anti-big-pharma, I decided to see if I could quit my mental health medications. I’ve blogged on this before, but I’m not going to fish it out of the archives. Well, PsychDoc and I took me off the medications, and I was drug free for all of two weeks, before I was contemplating divorce, and considering living in a teepee because I couldn’t handle anyone else around me, and I knew no one could handle me. I went to my Fam Doc, and she gave me a script for 10mg of prozac, and it really did take the edge off things for a minute or so. And now that I’ve been able to get into to see PSych Doc, he’s put me on another drug that is mood stabilizing. Here’s a hint: it ain’t workin’.
I’m just completely on a roller coaster lately, one minute I’m crying over a Taylor Swift song on the radio, and the next I’m yelling at HB because he is chewing loudly. I’ll be honest, even when I’m totally on drugs and happy, I get annoyed at HB chewing, but I can usually think “Shiksa? cool it. You’re being crazy”, and I can get over it. But at this point, I’m yelling and angry and talking out my ass, and frankly, I’ve lost my religion before I can remember that I don’t have any. I think HB is about to give me back whatever crazy I’ve dropped on the floor in my fit, and send me on my way. to my teepee. where no one else has to deal with me. But in the dessert there’s nobody making awful mouth noises. cold comfort.
We went to The Chocolate Bar tonight in an effort to stave off the mean reds, because another thing, now it really is TMI, I’m PMS-ing like nobody’s business this week. At least it’ll all be over before his birthday, May 9th.
I just have n-o-i-d-e-a how to get over this. I have another appointment with PsychDoc in a week or two to try another medication, but I’m so tired of trying new meds, and I’m so tired of being fat because I can’t stop eating because I’m on these ridiculous psych meds, and I’m not going back on lithium, because I want to be pregnant at some point, whether it’s my own kid or CMA’s (I’m NOT taking applications for incubating in my oven, thankyouverymuch), and I’m just so frustrated with not being able to find a job, and not being able to afford school, and ARRGH!
(I mean, I’m even trying to get me some religion. Cause at this point, I want to give up control to something else, even if I’ve spent most of my life not believing in it. Another post, I think. )
I’m not suicidal, and I’m not going to lay in bed for a month not eating or anything. I did that while we were engaged, and I really scared the crap outta HB, it wasn’t pretty, and it wasn’t fun to think that we might have to postpone the wedding because of my depression. I’m just losing my mind. In a totally non-threatening way, completely lucid, and slightly controlled. Very slightly controlled.
I think what I’m asking for is help. But I don’t know what I need, and I don’t know who to ask, and I don’t even think I’m ready to receive help. I just know that I’m taking the first step to reclaiming my mental health. And the first step is to admit that my head is a scary place, at least to me, and I need help navigating.